Pulled back muscles because fucked up sinuses, guess I’m staying in bed today.
Today I did 15 minutes of yoga, and 8 minutes of playing with weights and doing sit-ups, pushups, crunches, and reverse crunches.
Got a new (better) scale yesterday for…reasons. Also it has an air quality sensor, so that’s pretty rad.
I did a strangely intense 30 minute yoga work out yesterday because my phone’s fitness app has that sorta built in and I am feeling it.
So I’m going to do lighter exercise today because muscles.
I discovered leggings and they are the best thing ever.
I feel not-depressed today, so that’s awesome.
So, even though I had a moment of feeling human, I am woefully out of shape and it doesn’t take much for me to start feeling really shitty about myself. I think the weight gain may be affecting how effective my medications are as well, so I’m going back to a work-out thing so I can get back in shape (and because for some reason using my body helps me feel less disconnected from it), I’d like to lose weight (and I’d like my favorite shirts to fit again) but mostly I need to force myself to self-care and exercising and being more conscious of that is a good place to start even if and especially when I don’t feel motivated to (like today, because hellloooo depression, I feel you).
So I’m gonna try and get back into a routine like I was last year, but I don’t have a goal so much as I’m just doing it to feel better and be in better shape.
I’m new to accepting my body, and it’s really hard, and hating it is so easy….and it’s so easy for me to use self loathing to motivate myself to get smaller…but that’s not really healthy either. I don’t know.
I don’t know how to life or human, so I’m just trying shit and hopefully I’ll just feel less like everything would be better if I died.
So I’m lighting candles, putting on music, and digging out the 8lb weights.
Bust: 38 (explains the stretch marks)
I can’t look at myself in the mirror too long because it makes me feel weird, but I did realize something.
I’m probably the heaviest I’ve ever been….
But I also feel like I’m the healthiest I’ve ever been, too.
I started being pescetarian in July, which I feel like has more to do with the wait gain than anything else because my body loves to freak out about diet changes. But, weight aside, I feel a lot better and a lot healthier. I don’t feel sick after I eat anymore, my insides feel happier, I think it’s good.
I’ve been drinking 60+ oz of water a day, walking about a mile (or more) most days, and I’ve been doing yoga fairly consistently (because, weirdly it helps with the disassociation).
I looked in the mirror and felt like I looked human. If I feel okay and brave tomorrow I might take a picture and measure myself. I feel like I’ve ballooned, but I also feel healthy, so maybe it’s okay for me.
I don’t know if I can ever be really comfortable in my body, with it’s existence and all it’s fluctuations, but I can try, and sometimes I feel like I’m getting there.
Last night I had a dream: an old friend was getting married, and I was there with her and a bunch of strangers at the “bachelorette party”, which was more like a tea party. I didn’t realize, right away, that most of the girls there were perfect (their modesty hid it pretty well), until this one person came out - and I had seen her before. She looked like how I’d been feeling: bloaty, flabby, not like all the tiny perfect skinny girls - and she had taken it upon herself to try to fit in, by wearing a kind of nylon/spanx stocking all over her body to keep her curves from showing. She tied the stocking shut at the top of her head, so you couldn’t see her face, just sort of a beige texture-y thing and a bump where her nose was.
I looked at her and noticed her figure had changed and gone from person to mesh stocking and gasped at her covered face.
I ran over to her, crying (because I understood). I untied the knot on top of her head and helped her out of the wrap, I hugged her waist and cried into her stomach and just told her that she was beautiful, just as she is. That she is utterly and completely perfect, and doesn’t need to hide from anyone.
I looked at her face and her short brown hair and her brown eyes…and later I woke up, and I looked in the mirror, and realized it was me.