Last night I had a dream: an old friend was getting married, and I was there with her and a bunch of strangers at the “bachelorette party”, which was more like a tea party. I didn’t realize, right away, that most of the girls there were perfect (their modesty hid it pretty well), until this one person came out - and I had seen her before. She looked like how I’d been feeling: bloaty, flabby, not like all the tiny perfect skinny girls - and she had taken it upon herself to try to fit in, by wearing a kind of nylon/spanx stocking all over her body to keep her curves from showing. She tied the stocking shut at the top of her head, so you couldn’t see her face, just sort of a beige texture-y thing and a bump where her nose was.
I looked at her and noticed her figure had changed and gone from person to mesh stocking and gasped at her covered face.
I ran over to her, crying (because I understood). I untied the knot on top of her head and helped her out of the wrap, I hugged her waist and cried into her stomach and just told her that she was beautiful, just as she is. That she is utterly and completely perfect, and doesn’t need to hide from anyone.
I looked at her face and her short brown hair and her brown eyes…and later I woke up, and I looked in the mirror, and realized it was me.
Today I got a prescription to help with my anxiety, I washed my hair, and shaved, and used Shea butter body wash. I feel more human again
I’ve been doing a lot of walking, which has been really good for me…but I realize, I really miss my fitbit. It broke because I washed it, and I want to get the flex, but that really kinda helped keep me motivated. I should get another sometime.
I think I need to start thinking about my foods again, upping my water intake, maybe eating less cookies….because for some reason I’ve become obsessed with cookies.
I feel like I’ve gained weight, and I think I have, and I don’t know how to be okay with my body on a base level, but maybe if I can manage to not hate it, and make it feel somewhat healthy, then maybe that’ll help.
Last night I was up until 6am because I couldn’t sleep, because I felt too heavy and my breathing was anxious and weird and I just hated myself, a lot, and sometimes, like today, my body just sickens me «< that’s actually really uncommon.
But I think maybe this is one of those instances where putting actual pants on would help me feel less like a blobby organism and more like a person.
Sometimes I just stop feeling human and that makes it really hard to be okay with myself.
Wow, I haven’t been here since I got my wisdom teeth out.
Since then, I got the implant, and cut my hair, and got vaccinated for TDAP and started HPV, so that’s good.
I’ve been dealing with bouts of body issues and stuff and it’s not very good, so I need to get back here and do some stuff that’s more towards accepting my body as it is in this moment.
I imagine it’ll be a lot of bloaty tummy selfies at first, until I come up with a plan, but yeah, I need to do something, and looking at myself objectively tends to help keep me grounded and okay and less disassociate-y, which happened at like 3am last night and was so not fun.
My teeth come out in about 7 hours. I’m nervous even though I shouldn’t be.